Selfishness

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a very selfish person.

My grandpa, Poppy, is back in the hospital and is not doing well. He's nearly 90 years old, and as naturally occurs with age, his body is wearing out; I'm not going to list his ailments, but suffice to say, he's just not well. He's facing his own mortality and has learned that he might not get to go back home; when he's released from the hospital, his doctor is dictating that he go into assisted living or a nursing home. As one might expect, he's horribly upset and depressed.

He's always been such a vibrant and spunky man. I've always been able to count on seeing his blue eyes twinkle when he's telling a joke and to get a tight hug every time I see him. He's always acted so much younger than his actual age, until the past two years.

I hate this. I hate that someone I love so much is hurting and is so sad and feels so utterly hopeless. I hate it. I hate knowing that he probably won't be around for terribly much longer. I hate knowing...I just hate it.

Why am I selfish? Because I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to hurt or be depressed or be sad. I want to keep him here forever, but I want him to be younger, healthier, and vibrant. I guess what I'm saying is that I want it all. And, heartbreakingly, this is one time when there's no way that I'll get what I want.